we're chasing vodka with high fives
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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