my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
