I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i out mim tonsoeep
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
