You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
