Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
