I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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