Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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