I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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