If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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