I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
