i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
well most of my day revolves around power hour
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
