Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Don't make out with my wife yet
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
me + whiskey = a bad person
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