i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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