If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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