Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
