your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
