god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
