we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
