textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
