When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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