I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
