She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
