I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
