I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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