I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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