someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
