She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
