wrigley field is MILF paradise
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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