Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
