if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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