I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
