Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
