You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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