he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
