in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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