You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
