I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
