Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
