i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
