seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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