I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
