He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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