you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
