It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
