Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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