your thong is hanging out like whoa
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Rumble strips road head = magical
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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