he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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