Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
