I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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