The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
