who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
