"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
