my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
