if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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